Time, Communication & Relationships

The world is shrinking as far as communication is concerned but this shrinking world has increased the radius of intimacy between relations. Everyone around is so engrossed in their own undertakings that they are unable to chalk out their priorities appropriately.

Like a sown seed needs continuous nurturing till it grows into a beautiful fruit bearing tree similarly relations too need continuous nurturing for their longevity. Giving time & communicating are the two integral nutrients required for a healthy relationship.

Relationships in today’s time keep going through stringent litmus tests. It has become difficult to maintain a healthy communication even amongst the closed ones. This is a cumulative result of various factors. The most common and toughest to deal with factors are lack of time and the ‘my space’ syndrome.

People fail to understand that communication is the essence of a relationship and cutting down on the communication, whether knowingly or unknowingly, leads to sourness in the relation which turns bitter after a certain time. To avoid this, one should prioritize the time in an efficient way. The ‘my space’ syndrome creates a lot of communication gap between people. Everyone wants there space but in getting/providing that, the essence of a relationship is lost. Communicating your feelings is essential in every relation.

Nobody has time until they decide to find it. Just giving an excuse for lack of time is effortless. When one tries and wants to be in touch with a person, he’ll find out time by any means. Life is uncertain and no one knows what’s going to happen the next moment. Loosing a person and then regretting makes no sense. One should take care of the relation when the person is there.

Marriage from a bachelorette's eye Part IV

It’s 2 am and I am still tossing in my bed thinking about Manav and our much hyped wedding. Feel like calling him and talking it out but there is something that is stopping me. Nothing hurts you more than the communication gap that you develop between you and your closest pal. Manav isn’t just my pal but he’s my soul mate and I am feeling guilty of avoiding him this way.

“Are you sleeping sweetheart?” I was too restless so I called him up.

“Am I in my dreams or are you actually on the phone?” He inquired in his lovely sleepy voice. I always love that tone of his.

“The way I have been behaving lately it might appear to be a dream but I am actually on the call baby. Can you talk to me?” I replied with the love showing in my tone.

“Hmm.. Sometimes I wonder how I will survive with you for the rest of my life. You are just so unpredictable. I have known you since we were born but still I cannot judge your moves.”

“Come on sweetheart! You know me much more than I know myself. I love you!”

“Aha! What’s the matter? Why are you being so romantic? Are you going to end this relation?” My over-show of love made him suspicious.

“I am trying to woo you with my love and you are predicting idiotic things. I guess you are still sleepy. It will be good to hang up now. I will call you tomorrow. Good night.” I got a bit irritated.

“Hey sweetie don’t hang up. It’s been quite long since I’ve heard your sweet voice. It’s been long since you said I love you. I am glad that you called.” He sounded so love deprived. It made me feel even guiltier.

Making confessions is not an easy job. All of a sudden you start feeling a lot of guilt for what you have done and I was feeling too guilty to do this to my sweetheart.

“Hey baby, I am really sorry for being so rude and selfish. I am already feeling that guilt. Please don’t make me feel it more by saying all this. I am really sorry.” I almost started crying.

“Don’t cry sweetheart. I love you. Oh Ridhima, I am not a fool. Darling I love you though you treat me cruel. You hurt me and you made me cry but if you leave me I will surely die.” He sang in his mellifluous voice. I just love it when he sings for me.

“I love you too sweetheart. I think you should go to sleep now. We will meet tomorrow.”

“I don’t have a problem sweetie. If you want I can talk and if you say I can come over to your place.”

“No I’ll be fine. Wanted to apologize and tell many other things too but will do that tomorrow. Good night. Love you.”

“Ok darling. See you tomorrow. Good night and I will always love you.”

His last words made me ease off my worries. I kept thinking of what will I say to him tomorrow. With all these thoughts running a marathon in my head, I kept tossing in bed till I fell asleep.

I woke up early the next morning; it was due the excitement I guess! I met Manav at a café for morning coffee.

“Wow! I can’t believe that I am having a morning coffee with my girl.” He joked.

“I guess you going to have morning coffee with me for the rest of your life now.” I signaled him about what was going on in my mind.

“But will you be waking up early everyday?” He raised his eyebrows in astonishment.

“If you don’t want then I will not do so.” I winked at him.

“Hmm.. Leave this. Tell me what is bothering my baby so much?” The smile on his face made me go weak in my knees.

“Marriage.” I preferred coming straight to the point.

“Tanya’s?” He inquired as if he wasn’t aware whose marriage I was thinking of.

“Our marriage Manav!” I said in a candid voice.

“Oh! Are you sure you want to talk about this?”

“Yes Manav. I am pretty sure about this now.” There was a confidence in my voice which he liked 

but at the same time it gave him jitters.

“I am really sorry for being so selfish all this while. I love you a lot and I can’t afford to loose you. I’ve been avoiding this just because I am not confident enough of taking care of you and your family. You have known me ever since I was in my diapers. You are familiar with my lousy lifestyle. You know I can’t wake up early, I can’t cook, I am irresponsible, I am short-tempered, I am afraid of this big commitment and I love you! These things can be changed but I don’t trust myself for bringing these changes though I promise I will try my level best to change myself for you sweetheart. Now tell me, are you ready to spend the rest of your life with a girl like me?” I said it almost in a single breath.

He held my hand, looked into my eyes, smiled, gave me a kiss and said, “I am aware of all these things Ridhima and I have already accepted you with it. All I wanted was a promise from you that you won’t ever let me go. I don’t want to rush into it until and unless you feel that you are ready for this and you don’t need to worry about these petty issues. Instead of you I will make morning coffee and I promise I will never complain about it.”

Before he could say anything else, I was down on my knees saying, “So you promise to make me morning coffee without any complain ever?” He was astounded by this gesture of mine.

“Of course sweetheart!” He bent down and gave me a kiss.

That is what I wanted. The surety of being accepted the way I am.

I was relieved of a big monkey on my back and now it was time to celebrate. Though the marriage date wasn’t decided but getting the assurance for the same from me was a herculean task for my sweetheart.

The bigger challenge is yet to overcome and it is to tie the nuptial knot!

Marriage from a bachelorette's eye Part III

“I’ll be back by evening.” I rushed out of the home screaming. Immediately my phone rang, “Ya Ma!” “Where are you going? You don’t even bother to inform me. Did you have your breakfast?” Breakfast was her main concern. “Yes Ma I had it and I am going for shopping with Tanya.”

When your friends get engaged it becomes difficult to keep them updated with the happenings of your life and when they come to know from the other source (read Manav) you are declared guilty of an uncommitted crime. Tanya planned to meet up and as she knew I wouldn’t, she made up this shopping plan which I could not turn down. Not because I love shopping but I feel shopping is the best part of getting married and this was my best friend’s wedding.

We met at a mall where we headed directly to the food court as I didn’t have my breakfast and I lied to Ma. She would soon find it out and call back to scold me.

Tring… Oh wow what a long life she has! “Yes Ma” I answered in a very low tone as I knew what the call was for.

“You lied to me. You didn’t have your breakfast. You don’t get up on time, don’t inform me, you wake up and rush out of home. When are you going to change yourself? You are 24 now.”

“MA, I AM 23.” And I banged the phone.

Though just one year more in my age won’t make much of a difference but I always get irritated when she increases my age. As your age increases, parents start getting ‘marriage pangs’ and the intensity of these pangs is directly proportional to the age. And my Ma was no different especially now when Tanya was engaged.

“Manav called me up.” Tanya broke the ice.

“What for?”

“As if you don’t know?”

“No I don’t know.”

“What is wrong with you Ridhima? Why are you being so insane? You are avoiding all of us including Manav. What is the issue? You never ignored him in these 23 years. At least talk to him if you don’t feel like discussing it with us. After all you both will be tying the knot…”

“Did Manav ask you to talk about this?” I interrupted with complete ignorance towards her talk.

“He didn’t. He just told me about your tiff the other day.”

“Ok. See Tanya you know me very well. I have to make a career before getting married. That is what I wish and I am not yet ready for the responsibilities that I’ll have to shoulder after marriage. I mean I am not saying that I will not marry Manav but I need some time.” Even I was confused about what I said.

“Ridhima, Manav will never stop you from making a career. You know him better than I do. Don’t you?” Her voice was at her politest and sweetest.

“Leave this, you tell how it is going with Abhinav.” I tried to change the focus from a fictitious marriage to the real one.

“Why do you always switch topics? Why don’t you talk about it at once? The day you’ll start doing so, half of your problems will end.” She sounded like a typical Mommy types at this point. It showed that she is a grown-up, mature lady all set to get into the marital bond.

“Ah! Will definitely talk about it today but at this point I want to hear your story. Please.” I could have never ever been politer than this while convincing.

“It’s a very good feeling.” She started blushing. “You finally know the one with whom you are going to settle down. The one whom you can rely blindly. The one who will always be by your side, no matter what the situation is. Now it feels like true love, true sense of belongingness.” 

Her eyes were sparkling with love.

“Aha! Somebody is so lovestruck at the moment. I am too happy to hear that and happier to see you so happy.”  This was the first time, since her engagement that I was genuinely happy about it.

Her stories of the love went on till, I don’t remember the hours exactly. All the while I kept wondering that it’s been just 2 weeks and she has so much to tell. So much love has been poured upon each other in just few days. My mind kept switching between her marriage and my marriage.

“Hey enough of my stories let’s talk about you now.” She broke my thoughts. “Do you want me to call Manav over?” She intrigued with a little hesitation.

“I guess I should talk with you first. After hearing your experience, I am feeling a bit positive about it but in your case you don’t know Abhinav and I have grown-up with Manav. The best part about it is that he understands me so well and that is what the girl needs from her man. Manav indeed is my man but I feel I am not yet capable of being his woman. The major issue is that I feel to be unfit for this bond because I can’t take these responsibilities. You have seen us, every now and then I keep fighting with him and he tolerates my tantrums but will he be able to do that for the whole of his life? I can’t cook, I don’t wake up early, and I know nothing about my career at this point of time. I am so puzzled up Tanya how can I be assured that he will be happy with me? These are the thoughts that trouble me & people think that I am a spoilt brat who is running from reality. People’s thinking never bothered me but lately Manav too joined that league and that is what has disheartened me the most.” Phew! I bursted like an over bloated tube tire.

With a smile on her face she said, “Don’t you think you should discuss these things with Manav? After all he is the one who should know these things and as much as I know him he will drive away all the worries within a bat of an eyelid.”

Avoiding your friends and closed one results into the misery that I was in. Discussing these things with Tanya made me realize this. I think she was right; I should discuss this with Manav ASAP!

Marriage from a Bachelorette’s eye Part-II

It’s a boring Monday morning. I wonder how people find Monday’s to be fresh & exciting. Its 11.30 am and no prizes for guessing that I am still in bed! Although I woke up early but didn’t feel like moving my butt yet. I don’t know why but I have this special hatred towards Monday and especially mornings. Many times I feel that I would have been some destructive nocturnal animal in my last incarnation, whose reminiscence is still there in me. Oh gosh! I have started brooding like everyone else does when they find me in bed till so late. I think it’s the environment that’s affecting me now. I am pretty sure it won’t last more than a few minutes. I wish it doesn’t.

Wedding bells are ringing. Everyone, of my age, I know, is getting married. My friends, cousins, distant relatives, etc. As the repercussion of this season, all the elders in your family are bitten by the ‘marriage bug’.  I wish I could keep my family immune from this bug by using some marriage debug solution! Alas! There is nothing that I can do.

“Aren’t you awake?” Screeched a loud voice outside my door. Aghast, I ran into the washroom to avoid myself from early morning (well I woke up just now so its early morning for me) chiding from Ma. “What will you do after your marriage? Is this the way to behave? You are 24 now.” “I am still 23.” I interrupted my furious Ma. “And I am awake and brushing my teeth. See you downstairs in an hour.” “In an hour?” Ma yelled on the top of her voice. “Is that how long you going to take to have your bath? Your In-laws will throw you out of the house.” “Whose going their? I am here with you Ma.” I said while coming out of the washroom and giving her a tight hug. “Is this the way beta?” She said in a mellowed down tone. The hug did the trick! It’s the best way to calm down Ma.

The phone rang and I answered, “Hey! How are you? What’s the plan for the day?”

“Let’s meet up in half an hour?”

“Ahh.. Can we meet after 1 and half hour?” I said with hesitation of being chided again.

“Why? Are you busy or still asleep?” He said with a taunt.

“Do I sound sleepy?” I replied with irritation.

“Then why do you need 1 and half hour?”

“OK. I just woke up and need time to get ready.”

“I knew it. When are you going to change Ridhima?”

“I don’t know. If you want to meet then let’s meet up after 1 and half hour else leave it.”

“Ok fine. I’ll meet u after 1 and half hour.”

That was Manav, my boyfriend. We are into a relationship since past 3yrs but we have known each other since the time we were in our diapers. We are ‘chuddi-buddies’ aka diaper friends. Manav understands me more than myself. He proposed to me when we were in final year of our graduation. We share a very healthy relation with less of fights as he understands me well and takes care of me in the best possible way and I too love it that way!

Of late he too has joined the league of people who keep chiding me for my behavior. I feel I am wrong only when he stands on the other side. And I hate the sight of him standing on the opposite side. I have been avoiding him from 2 days. Precisely since the day Tanya broke the news of her engagement.

“Hi. Finally you are here.” Manav greeted me with a smile.

“Hmm.. How are you? I am sorry I am late.” I replied with a fake smile.

“What’s the matter with you? Why are you looking pale?” His voice showed the concern.

“Nothing. I am absolutely fine.” I answered with a very broad smile.

“Oh come on! Stop giving me that ‘small wonder’ smile of yours.”

Damn! He understands me so well that it becomes so difficult to lie to him.

“Why were you not taking my calls since so many days?”

“Its been just 2 days Manav.”

“Oh! So 2 days are now ‘just’ 2 days for you.”

“Don’t over react. I wasn’t keeping well so…”

He interrupted in between, “You were not well? Since when have you started ignoring me in your sickness Ridhima? Didn’t you always call me up when you didn’t feel well?” He was too upset now.

I held his hand and said, “I am sorry sweetheart. Please forgive me.”

“Ok but please don’t do such things. I was so worried.”

I feel blessed to be a girl in these kind of situations. It becomes very easy to please a guy. If the situation would have been other way round, poor Manav would have to convince me for 4 days at least!

“So did you think about it?”

This is the thing I was avoiding, I wondered. “Think what Manav?”

“You said you need time to think. I wonder what you need the time for.”

“No I haven’t thought about it yet.” I replied in a lame voice to make it obvious that I am disinterested.

“Don’t you want to marry me?” He yelled in despair attracting attention of the people around.

Embarrassed, I replied, “Calm down Manav. What’s wrong with you? We are in a public place. Please stop attracting undue attention that too in this way.”

 “Don’t tell me what to do. I am very displeased with your attitude. You never think about me, for you it’s always about you. I don’t exist for you at all.”

“It’s not the way you are thinking sweetheart. I think about your welfare too and that is the reason I demanded some time. I am not yet ready for marriage and if I won’t b happy then how will I keep you happy?”

“We know each other since we were born Ridhima. Don’t be so unreasonable. What do you need time for? We love each other. You always wanted a love marriage, didn’t you?”

Discussion about love and arrange marriage makes me feel like asking, “Would you like to commit suicide or would you prefer to be murdered!”

Tanya’s engagement landed me into this soup. I am not blaming her but her engagement excited Manav about our marriage which, according to him, is the obvious outcome of our relation. He knows that I am not keen about marriage and so since 2 days we have been fighting over this topic.

After reaching home I started thinking about it, about my MARRIAGE.

Marriage from a bachelorette's eye

Tring tring… Tring tring… Tring tring… Trriiiinnngggggg…….

 “Hello! Yeah what’s the matter?”

 “What the hell? Are you still in bed?”

“Ahhhh.. Hmmmm.. Yeah!”

 “Gosh when will you change? It’s 12.45 pm. Half of the day has passed and you’re still in your bed!”

“Tell me what the issue is?”

“Let it be. You enjoy your sleep.”

Bang. The call is disconnected.

I toss in my bed thinking, “Why does everyone freak out at me when they get to know that I am still in bed? Nobody bothers to know that why am I still in bed? What time did I sleep last night?” With these thoughts in my mind I toss and enter the snooze mode (without my realization ofcourse!) again.

Trin tring.. Tring tring.. It is her call again. I clear my throat before answering the call so that she doesn’t get to know that I am still sleeping. “Yeah! Tell me, what is it?”  

“You are still sleeping. It’s 2 pm!” She said furiously.

Oh! Is it? I feel its been just 5 minutes since her last call. “No I am not. Was going for shower. Tell me.” Faking an awakened voice despite knowing the fact that she’ll catch me.

“Hmm.. Anyways, I called up to give you a piece of news.” She said in the chirpiest voice of her.

“What? What? What? WHAT?” I retaliated in a very perplexedly excited tone.

“I am engaged!” She announced with grandeur.

“Oh! Oh I mean wow! Congratulations! When, where, how, with whom did this happen?” I was shocked and surprised and (I think) happy too, all at the same time.

“The boy is from Bhopal. His name is Abhinav Shrivastav, 26yrs, living in a nuclear family. He is into his family business of automobile spare parts.” She provided the answers to my bewildered questions.

I am Ridhima Singh, 23 years old, struggling with my life, on career front though. My best friend, Tanya Sinha, got engaged last night. Marriage is something that brings anxiety, bewilderment, resentment, delirium all at once in the minds of so called eligible bachelors/bachelorettes. And Tanya & I were no exceptions. I was shocked, more than happy, to know that my own friend will be taking the marital vows that have been giving nightmares to us ever since we turned 20.

After disconnecting the call I wondered, “I should be feeling happy for her but what is this feeling that I am having? Is she really ready to take the vows? Is she happy or is she just fabricating that happiness? If so, she wouldn’t do that in front of me at least?” I was all confused and jumbled up with a variety of thoughts.

Marriage is a heavy word, laden with all sorts of responsibilities & complexities. Is it me who thinks this way or every person of my age, precisely girls, think the same way? Marriage changes a lot of things in one’s life. Though I feel the changes are more for a girl as she has to move into a new family, relations, responsibilities, expectations, room, bathroom (that is important for me!) etc etc. Accepting someone with all the good & bad is a difficile job. It requires a lot of understanding & patience in keeping a marital bond intact.

The initial days are like a dew drop on a fresh flower. Everything is fresh & blooming. Later on it turns into a dew drop on a rotten flower which makes it shine from distance but looks ugly when observed closely. Giving into the temptation of initial bliss (and the surmounting pressure), people tend to enter into the marital web. I have hardly heard people saying that they are happy in their marriage but still they suggest one should get married!

Every story has 2 endings; similarly marriage too has a happy side. Being alone is not fun when you really feel the urge to be with someone who’ll take care of you. The biggest advantage of being married is that you have a person whom you can blame for every wrong thing that happens to you!

I have been negative about marriage ever since the age I understood the meaning (the literal meaning not the philosophical) of the word marriage. But today the news of Tanya’s engagement made me think about the other facet of it. She is happy and ready to accept the prejudices attached with marriage. Her happiness and acceptance has made me think about my own marriage! As they say “You are known by the company you keep.” I think your thoughts are also conditioned by the company you are in. The moment I start thinking about marriage, immediately I am pulled back to reality and again the negative thoughts grasp my mind.

I believe this to and fro of the marriage pendulum will go on till I find a magnet (partner) to whom it’ll be fixed permanently.